


Dear Baekhyun

by Rei_Rei (anti60ne)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-03
Updated: 2013-12-03
Packaged: 2018-01-03 09:14:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1068718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anti60ne/pseuds/Rei_Rei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>chanyeol leaves exo with no clear explanation, and baekhyun finds a letter that revives his tear ducts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Baekhyun

It was raining cats and dogs the day when Chanyeol withdrew from EXO. The city of Seoul was overcast and drenched in the tears of the gods, weeping for the loss that holds varying levels of significance among the remaining 11 members, the fans, SME, the rest of the kpop industry,  
  
and Baekhyun.  
  
Baekhyun stood in a daze by the window, watching the raindrops smashing into the window with such unhesitating self-destruction. The rainstorm behind the glass could not compare to what was raging inside his heart, he thought.  
  
Chanyeol did not explain why he left. Supposedly, the reason he provided his CEO was personal slash health reasons, which were supposedly sufficient for his withdrawal.  
  
But no one within the group really knew why. Chanyeol was healthy, physically, at least. He had no issues with any of the members. Baekhyun, of all people, was well aware of this. But there was also something else that he knew—or rather, suspected—but did not tell anyone, for fears that if he were to put it into words, this formless notion would become more tangible than a mere possibility.  
  
For once, Baekhyun thought his lacrimal glands were dysfunctional. He thought he would cry, that he  _should_  cry, about the mass of confusion and disappointment and frustration that has stowed away somewhere very deep within him, nagging and gnawing at the best memories and everything he wanted to hold on to about Chanyeol. But he shed not one tear.  
  
Perhaps, he thought, his heart had become numb in a subconscious attempt to eulogize the departure of someone. Someone who had shared his laughter and his tears, his joy and his anguish, his dreams and his fears.  
  
And now all was left behind was a faint scent of Chanyeol in the creases of Baekhyun's sheets.  
  
Baekhyun didn't turn from the window until Kyungsoo called him for dinner. He turned and looked at Kyungsoo blankly.  
  
"I... I'm not hungry. I'm gonna go take a nap."  
  
Baekhyun drifted toward his room, oblivious to Kyungsoo's concerned gaze following his back. He shut the door with a soft thud and leaned his back against it. He slowly sank to the floor, his eyes closed as an unknown heaviness weighed on his eyelids.  
  
When Baekhyun opened his eyes again, with much effort, he spotted a letter peeking out of his messenger bag. An abrupt fear clutched him as he frowned and hesitated. Somehow, he was scared—terrified, even—of reading that letter, knowing that it most likely contained the answers to his questions. And he wondered if some things were better left unsaid.  
  
But then he decided he needed the answers, even if it would obliterate everything he used to know and turn each truth into lie and each lie into truth. Did it even matter anymore at this point? Baekhyun mused helplessly.  
  
He retrieved the letter. It was a plain white postal envelope, with his name scribbled on it in Chanyeol's cheeky handwriting. Baekhyun took a deep breath as he pulled out the piece of stationery and unfolded it.  
  
"Dear Baekhyun,  
  
By the time you read this, I'm probably already gone. I'm sorry that I couldn't explain everything to you in person. The thought of verbalizing it and having to bear whatever form of responses you might have was already agonizing enough for me. So I decided to write it in a letter instead. I know this might be cowardly of me, so please forgive me.  
  
When I was trying to put my thoughts into words on this piece of paper, I realized how I have never told you, in comprehensible words, how much I appreciate everything that you  _don't_  do for my sake.  
  
Thank you for not turning your back on me when I launch into one of those mood swings, even though I know you were scared witless.  
Thank you for not telling Suho about my struggles, even though it was the right thing to do, because you knew my pride wouldn't have any of it.  
Thank you for not breaking down along with me, even though it took all of you to hold back your tears, because you knew how much I needed to see your smile to be myself again.  
Thank you for not abandoning me in my darkest times, even though the darkness invaded your life, too.  
  
I don't think I could say enough  _I'm sorry_ 's to you, but I'm going to, anyway.  
  
I'm sorry that I've grown complacent with having you always there for me, that I stopped trying to get better.  
I'm sorry that I could barely give you a hug and mumble useless  _It'll be okay_ 's when you were consumed by your own demons.  
I'm sorry that my attempts at cheering you up, behind closed doors, were mediocre at best and aggravating at worst.  
I'm sorry that I'm both your umbrella and the rain.  
  
If you're crying, you'd better stop, because this stationery is fricken expensive."  
  
Baekhyun released a choked chuckle. A teardrop had already splashed and stained the paper, ironically at the  _crying_.  
  
"I decided to leave because at some point over the past few weeks, I came to the realization that as long as I had you beside me, I would never try to get better on my own. I took you for granted, and it was hurting both of us. I couldn't rely on you to console me forever. It was time I learned how to wipe away my own tears.  
  
I'm not going to be gone forever. Hopefully. I don't know how long it'll take, but I'm going to work my ass off trying to get better, because I want to come back. I want to come back to EXO and you, but only if I can let you see a stronger me, a Chanyeol that laughs even behind closed doors.  
  
Thank you, I'm sorry, and I love you.  
  
  
Chanyeol"

**Author's Note:**

> written in July 2013


End file.
